A Balancing Act

The year I turned 31, I was on maternity leave with my daughter, Sydney. It was a year of much self-discovery for which I am truly grateful. Revelations from that period of time led me down a path that has brought me much fulfillment. One of the greatest was when I rediscovered the concept of BALANCE.

As a child, I witnessed one of the greatest examples of BALANCE around: my dad. He was a man of integrity as I mentioned before, and he was committed to living a balanced life. He was very active and it was rare to find him focusing on one aspect of his life more than others. I have adopted the concept of balance being "at home, at work, at play and at peace" in my motivational work and I find it fitting here to provide a tribute to my father's way of being as I grew up.

At home: We ate promptly at 7:30, 12:00 and 5:00 on weekdays and not much different on weekends. Dad liked his routine, and still does. Having a stay-at-home mother enabled this routine. We always had our meals together. Holidays were equally predictable: Easter was spent on the west coast of Newfoundland, visiting his family and Mom's; we left the province every summer, the day after school closed and traveled until mid-August, camping or vising friends and family across Canada and the US; birthdays and anniversaries were always remembered and celebrated; Christmas was full of visits to friends' houses around town (we knew the schedule before the last day of the school - which, incidentally, was the biggest party of the year). He appreciated his time away from work, and he spent it with those whose company he enjoyed most.

At work: For 29 years, my father was a dedicated teacher, retiring from Gander Collegiate at the age of 52. Former students speak highly of his animated teaching style, his humour and his commitment to the kids. He was one of those teachers who stayed after school to supervise and participate in floor hockey and badminton. He coached public speaking and drama. He could always be counted on to chaperon school dances and class trips. I know because he brought me along! :) We hosted more billets than any other family, I am sure. (Again, another smile for me!) Dad's work was rarely brought home except for the odd time when he had to mark papers, and perhaps in the early days when he was getting his feet wet (see photo above).

At play: Did I mention the teachers' Christmas party yet? Oh yes, my dad enjoyed a scattered party. And they were scattered around the year - nice and balanced! There were the two staff parties, the curling bonspiel, and the notable floor hockey team parties in the shed. Dad was always up for a good time but also enjoyed sports and was active at school and in the evenings on various teams over the years: darts, broomball, and softball. Other than my mother, to whom he will be married 40 years this coming November, his longest relationship would have to be with the sport of floor hockey. He started playing when he moved to Gander in 1969 and didn't stop until four years ago. It was part of his life. It was time that he shared with friends which he also remembers fondly.

At peace: You'd think that a guy that was so active wouldn't have time for peace, but if there is anything else my dad loved more than his home life, his work, and his floor hockey (which dominated the 'play') it is walking and reading. This is where my dad finds his peace: escape, freedom, quiet. For as long as I can remember, Dad walked each evening, in addition to going to and from work each day. Now that he is retired, he can be seen around the neighborhood as many as 5 times a day! Every now and then, he'll invite Mom along, but usually this is his 'alone time'. That, and when he reads. The ladies (yes, they have always been women) who work at the local libraries know him well... all about him and the family. He is one of their most valued 'customers'. He tells them what books to order. One of my fondest memories is going to the library in Gander with Dad every Sunday afternoon. I'd be left on my own in the kids' section... I still thought of it as our 'special time'.

So that's the story of my dad, the model of balance. They are quite rare. I've looked for them! Once people enter into relationships, they often lose their sense of individuality. Many people with children appear to have lost all connection with interests they had prior to becoming parents. Do you know any workaholics??? Are you one?? :)

The year I was on that maternity leave, I came to the stark realization that I didn't know who I was anymore. I had become one of those people!! I was all three!!! In fact, I had been that way since I was about 18. While I was in high school, you would find my name listed in Webster's Dictionary (now, in Wikipedia) under "balance". I played volleyball, badminton and bowling, babysat, volunteered, emceed the graduation, edited the yearbook, competed in public speaking, acted in school productions, attended every Friday night dance, went to movies with friends, AND talked on the phone while I wasn't doing all that or studying which I did a lot of because I was headed for university and that meant landing as many scholarships as possible.

Being goal-oriented like my dad (see previous post), I was very focused and determined. Once I went to university and landed myself a boyfriend, I made the decision that the only things that remained important were getting a good job and getting married. By the time I was 24, I had both but the seed was planted with all the choices I made when I was 18 and I sacrificed everything else. As life continued, I assumed the role of workaholic employee, Martha Stewart-like wife, and devoted mother. I had followed the plan, got everything I "wanted" yet at the age of 31 was not happy and found myself lacking the balance that once defined me to the core.

I began, that year, to energize my life with the things that had once gave me so much pleasure. Now, at 39, my time is shared with my two wonderful children aged 8 and almost 11, my boyfriend, a close circle of friends, my parents, my job, my business, volunteer work, fitness, required household maintenance (most of which is delegated to the kids or my parents :) and alone time! I came up with this all on my own and I embarked on my journey to create the life I wanted. It has been a journey that started consciously in 2001.

I recently hired a personal/business coach, Amanda Maynard (http://www.amanadamaynard.com/) to help me put some structure in my life around all this balance. I had such a 'full' life that I was in danger of just being plain BUSY. It was great to see it all in black and white (and green and pink) to clearly define how much time I was spending on each part of my life. I have made adjustments and continue to do so. It is an activity I would recommend, and have. In order to find balance that works, we must first define what we want our lives to look like: we must make choices and then create!

It is a Balancing Act, true, but worth every ounce of effort for the satisfaction gained. And, it is no act when you are committed to a vision of your higher purpose and your choices are mindful and authentic. I needed only to look to my father for that Lesson Learned.

A Model of Integrity

I enjoyed a relaxing weekend with friends and family even more so than usual because of the fantastic weather that fell upon my little corner of the world in Newfoundland & Labrador. While many ideas have raced through my mind related to the subject of my blog, I decided to 'resist the chatter' and let it come without force, trusting in the rhythm of life, knowing the theme of my next post would be revealed.

Here I am on Monday morning, sitting at my desk listening to the hum of a nearby lawnmower. Being in tune with my thoughts, I notice when they wander to: "Who in the world would be mowing the lawn today when it's 11 degrees and raining?" MY DAD, that's who!!

In a flash, I remembered that last night, following our Fathers' Day dinner, he had said he would be over in the morning. There's one thing in this world I can ALWAYS count on: my dad always does what he says he will do when he says he will do it. Always. Regardless of circumstance. His INTEGRITY has been one of his defining characteristics for as long as I have known him. Herein lies today's Lesson Learned.

There were many times (even today) when I would shake my head as my dad completed various tasks, busying himself to get things done, on time and in order. I would scratch my head and think, "Why doesn't he just relax? Why do we have to sacrifice? Why not enjoy the moment?" As a family, we were always saving money, working on the house, preparing for something in the future.

While my dad always had his eye on the goal, he really enjoyed the process as well, although this is not something I understood at the time. I learned the value in delayed gratification, the sense of satisfaction that comes as you work toward a goal - a holiday, graduation, a garden to grow. My dad taught me perseverance, commitment and loyalty.

He has never, once, told me that would do something, only to disappoint me at a later date. What a rare and admirable quality this is! I was blessed to have a father whose commitment to his word defines who he is. He can always be depended upon to deliver - at home, at work, at play and at peace. (More to come on Lessons Learned about BALANCE.)

I'm not saying that I have always agreed with Dad's choices. Over the years, I have judged him harshly on many occasions because my perception of his life was not the most favorable. I believe now that my dad always did the best he could. I also believe he is a Model of Integrity.

Imagine a world where EVERYONE did what they said they were going to do when they said they were going to do it! What a wonderful gift my dad gave me. I am grateful to him and for this Lesson Learned.

Creativity Flows when you Quiet your Mind

The idea of this tribute to my father came four days before Fathers' Day 2009. At the age of 39, I have found that my creativity is boundless if only I quiet my mind and open myself up to experience my natural gifts.

I have been struggling with my relationship with my father for a number of years, as many do. Now that I no longer have a husband, it is the one which evokes the most grief and guilt (!), AND the most desire to resolve. So I decided, quieting my mind as I walked along a wooded path, that I would SURRENDER - I would Let Go of this problem and my quest for a solution and Let God show me the way.

I will inject at this point in the blog, that I am Anglican, but not a church-goer for the past several years. Since my divorce 5 years ago, I have been on a spiritual journey to find my true self and create peace and harmony in my new world. (Look for more writing on that never-ending, enlightening adventure.) I will refer to the Universe and God and other such words which are in alignment which my belief in a Higher Power (there I go again) and a world where everything happens for a reason.

Back to my walk... The vision that came to mind first may seem morbid to some: I saw myself speaking to a large audience in a tribute to my father. This is not the morbid thought and, in fact, not even scary to me as I am a professional motivator. Here it is: The sense that I had as I talked about all the lessons that he taught me was that he was no longer alive.

I literally shook my head when I came to that realization and then, quickly came to another: I do not want to wait until my father is gone before I recognize and communicate all that he has brought to my life and experience on this earth.

If that wasn't enough to motivate me, the Universe sent me two reminders in recent days of how fleeting life is indeed. My boyfriend has been diagnosed with a brain tumour. While benign, its treatment and repercussions remain unknown. Suffice to say, life as we knew it has changed dramatically and our perspective on life as well. Then, the day I came up with this tribute idea, there was a propane tank explosion a few houses away from my parents'. One home was completely destroyed and two others significantly damaged. No one was harmed, thankfully.

When things like this happen which seem to have no rhyme nor reason, I have found myself asking, "What am I meant to learn?" It is this same question that I pose now to the One who has all the answers: The answers will come to me as I seek to uncover Lessons Learned from my father, Melvin Payne.